"Growing" up...

As I mentioned in my earlier post, a design mag/company has approached me to do some design work for their clients. They asked me if I had my work somewhere on the net for them to view. As I read this, I thought to myself, "frig, I don't." I didn't plan on someone actually approaching me to do some work for them thus, I was not prepared for this.
Yesterday, my cousin and I were talking briefly over pho about developping a sort of campaign to sell ourselves to employers. She's currently working on her's now... I can't wait to see it. I'm pretty sure it'll be brilliant as she is such a connoisseur in design and all... whereas I am... well, not there.
After looking at the OCAD grad show over the weekend, there were a only handful of grads that I thought did an amazing job.

[ sidenote: I was actually very disapointed in the show. I mean, they weren't even undergrads, but grads... and I wasn't all that impressed. I mean, OCAD or shall I call it OCAD U (whatever!) has this sort of self-reputation that they are the "best" art and design post secondary school. If this is true, then their grads - master students - must have some awesome and creative work.... I was wrong. This just qualifies them to be mediocre... and mediocre is... well, not the BEST! I've seen so much better paintings, illustrations, designs at York U Fine Arts department and the York/Sheridan department... and they're undergrads, not masters. Anyhow, I'm getting out of hand with all this OCAD talk. I should leave it for another post. ]

I thought to myself...wow... how can I even try to be on par to these people. How can they develop such clever campaigns like this?
The thought of selling myself, selling my traits and strenghts just scares me. And I think that's what really holds me back.
This past semester, I literally had a breakdown. I was majorly stressed and couldn't handle it. It progressed to a point where, my last night of finishing work, was incomplete. I handed in TWO things half assed because the whole night, I was crying to my boyfriend that I couldn't do it - that I didn't have the skills to do it - that I wasn't meant to be in art alltogether. I looked at my work that I supposedly finished and thought to myself, "wow, this is not me. I couldn't have done this shit."
After a couple hours of crying to Joo and dinner, he cheered me up. He made me realize that I compare myself to a people a lot - I guess it's this sort of personal vendetta I have towards myself. When I finished York U and was about to enter design, I promised myself that since I settled for mediocracy at York, then I am going to achieve excellence in design - I had to, I owed it to myself to be better. Ever since then, I competed with people in my class to be better. Sometimes, I would accept and learn from those who did better than me but I always knew that in the next project, I would have to do a lot better. I guess that's where the problem lied and that's when I broke down at the most crucial point of the semester. My pride and high expectations caught up to me.
Going back to my last 1st point - so as I think about what I want to create for my marketing campaign... or create something that represents me... It's hard to think of. My experiences that represent myself not only lies in art but so many other things. I am so grateful that I didn't choose OCAD and went with York because York U's philosophy in learning is "interdisciplinary" - a collective learning experience from different educative backgrounds and fields that opened my eyes to something greater than art and design... the world. I learned that the world and its culture is what shapes art and design - and shapes me.

But how can I show this? How can I show this in my portfolio? My creative skills to employers? Employers who receive hundreds of aspiring design resumes on their desk every day? And that's what depresses me to stop everything. Designers are such creative people, I feel that the bar to getting a job doesn't lie in a simple business card and resume. My point proven:

(I really hope this vid shows up as it's my first time uploading a youtube vid on my blog.)

How creative is that? Now, that's what I call, thinking outside the box.
I mean, do you not see the extraordinary creative process out there? My point proven.

So I guess with all of this being said, where do I stand? Where do I stand in my design and creative ideas? What should I do to overcome this pride and insecurities (wow, that sounds very contrary) that holds me back?

Also, as I say in my title of this entry... with all of these insecurities and high expecations of me being this "great" designer, I'm growing up. I came to the realization that my life in the next 5 years will be affected by the decisions and most importantly, the campaign that I'll be producing.

How scary is that?

Am I the only one who experiences this? And If I'm not, please share your stories.